Multiple BFL attempts, 1 successful BFL, starting C2

  • A little about me.....

    I am a 35yr old female who suffered from bulimia and depression from ages 19-30 and still struggle a lot with body image and food and depression still comes and goes.  Body for life has always been something I attempted but could never stick with it and alway gave up.  I grew up in a household full of great food & wine, and a lot of it all.  To my family, the BFL is so extreme and so completely opposite of the way in which I was brought up.

    I began running after my second child at age 30 and lost all my baby weight and felt great by the time she was 1 year.  Running was my escape and it made me feel happy.  But last November I developed plantar faciitis that was so bad I could not stand, and I am a Pastry Chef, which requires me to be on my feet all day.  I went to Physio, I tried all the exercises and tools that is supposed to help, for months, so eager to get back to running, but every time I tried a small run I was unable to walk for days after.  It was suggested I give up running, and so I did, trying to find alternatives, but I was gaining weight and was feeling more and more depressed.

    I joined a gym last Feb and soon after starting I began my first challenge that I actually completed!  I didn't weigh myself (because of my body issues - I try to avoid the scale at all cost) but went from size 10/12 to a size 6 and felt awesome.  I even felt awesome the first week into it, even though my pants were feeling tighter at the beginning.  After the challenge was over, I wanted to continue the lifestyle without entering another challenge, and so I did, but instead of free days, I allowed 2 cheat meals per week, as opposed to 1 full day.  I also noticed myself not wanting to go way overboard, but instead enjoy a marbled steak or a glass of wine.  My weight stayed pretty much the same, and if I started to feel bloated, I just ate more egg whites/oatmeal more frequently and kept a closer eye on my diet.

    Even over this past Christmas, I may have put on 2-3 lbs, but they were off after 2 weeks.  But then I went to Hawaii, and with my family, who eats rich food and drinks a ton of great wine and champagne, and we were all together for 2 weeks.  I tried to follow my clean eating but I just felt deprived and it felt so strict and I wasn't enjoying myself, and so I went all out and allowed myself pina coladas, and plenty of them, and anything I wanted to eat.  Needless to say, I gained weight!  I  guessed about 12lbs - pretty scary in 2 weeks, but still struggling with a healthy relationship with non-clean foods, I went overboard, because that is what I do.   All or nothing for me.  And I try to change that but just can't seem to.  

    I am only 5"3" and weighed myself, after 2 days of flying, and was 140lbs!! When I weighed myself during the summer, when I tend to do my best, I was 125lbs and a fitted size 6 pants.  I have a booty so I don't ever expect to be a 0.  My goal is to get back there and reach 120lbs, or fit into a 4 pants.

    So now I am back home, my husband (who was once 300lbs and lost 80lbs by running and eating better) is now on board and we began the BFL challenge, only I increased the challenge to 100 days - why, not so sure, but I wanted to create my own "100 day transformation" I guess.  We are both on day 10 and he has been doing really well.  I still struggle with nibbling small amounts here and there, but am working on it.

    I should also mention that I have counted calories forever!!!! And this challenge I am attempting to do without.  Wish me luck,

    It was UBWO for both of us and I killed my back and chest.  I am sure I will be unable to move those muscles well tomorrow, but that makes me feel good.  I nibbled on fried tortilla chips, as I was stuck covering for someone in a cafeteria, where it was really slow and there were these things sitting around.  I even took them to another room but then had to bring them back for service : p  I did, however, pack my meals of egg whites/ sweet potato, egg whites/oatmeal, salmon/brown rice, protein bar and ate them as scheduled.

    I get so tired when my workout are so intense, and so I end up sleeping 9-9.5hrs.  Crazy huh?  But I figure if I can sleep that long, I must need it, plus my skin looks so much better after a long sleep : )

    Off to watch a movie with my hubby and youngest daughter (5yrs).  I have to work tomorrow morning, but only for 4 hours, teaching a cake pop class, but then I am done for the week and it is my free day.  My choice......juicy steak and red wine! 

    I hope to check in daily, as this forum really helped me stick to the plan last year.  I hope to have some followers and fellow bfl-ers to share with, motivate and push through the difficult times, as there will be some.

    Have a great weekend!


  • Today is Day 12 for me,  I have HIIT ahead of me, and looking forward to starting a new week.  Yesterday was my free day and I didn't feel great by the end of the day - I really need to eat clean for the day and then have only a cheat meal that evening.  That is probably what will work  best for me and so will try that next week.

    I have reviewed the nutrition part a little more closely and realized I have been eating bananas a lot in my shakes, which are not on the list, and I think consuming too many healthy fats.  I am still unclear what a portion of fat is and how you figure it out.  ie. I am 140lbs and my husband is 220lb - do we eat the same amount?

    My husband did so well this past week and I slipped up a few times, so I am excited to stick as closely to the plan as possible.  Off to the gym.....

  • With the bananas, I thought they count as a carb under fruit. In h book it says bananas, apple, oranges, a piece of fruit is a portion of carbs and they have way more nutrients than, say, a piece of bread. I heard that its important to have a carb with protein because the carb makes you absorb it. And you gotta drink water with it so everything flows right (or something lol). With the fats, it says saturated fats are "the enemy" and unsaturated fats in moderate amounts can be good 4 u. You do not need a portion of saturated fat, "just a tablespoon a day can provide your body with the essential fatty acids it needs". It gives examples of safflower oil (whatever that is!), sesame oil, and the fat in an avocado. I am just looking at the book here on my lap.

    Thank you for being so candid about your experience with this, I have totally wrestled with a lot of the same struggles. This is my 1st try doing BFL, I have wanted to do it for years, read the book a dozen times, but I was not able to give it a go until I recovered from the struggles I had with eating disorders and alcohol. Last fall I went to the doc because I felt horribly sick and tired all the time and there was pain in my abdomen. My liver had become enlarged after a 3 month relapse on alcohol after being dry for 2 yrs. I had bulimic episodes frequently, I tried to starve to be thin and I would get SO hungry and eat a real meal, and it'd make me so absolutely sick it was hard not to cave in to the eating disorder. You can't work out according to this program when your diet is funky, I tried to just do the exercise and see how it went in the past and moderate levels felt like, so hard! Not that I wasn't strong enough, I just couldn't keep going because I wasn't nourished properly. I am so....lucky or something, because when my liver was enlarged it really gave me a reality check and I was forced to change. I got all kinds of tests and bloodwork, but I just started eating normally. I knew I would gain weight, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel some sense of normalcy in my body. For a while, all I was able to do was sleep, eat, and drag my butt so hard to do regular daily tasks. But eventually,I stopped gaining weight, I didn't feel like eating when I wasn't hungry, and it just blew my mind. I tried not to eat stuff that made me want to throw up. Eventually, I got over the hump of craving fast food, etc but then I honestly dn't even want that anymore. My diet still sucked but at least it was consistent. It took about 5 months but I finally was like 'man, I bet I can actually do that body for life thing now!' I cannot tell you how liberatng it is to learn the diet and stick to it. I don't feel bad about what I eat. I swear I don't even want to cheat because eating this way feels AMAZING compared to how I used to feel. I can hit 10s on my workout and it gives me energy instead of bringing me down. I actually look forward to it! And I don't even want to cheat, tortilla chips really used to sound good but now I am just like "eh". The fact that I haven't cheated in my first week also makes my self esteem sky rocket.

    I assure you this is so not what I thought was in the realm of possibe for me. I just want to share my thing cuz I relate so much with what you described, and if it can help you I just can't keep it to myself. But I am not at all assuming you are like how I described myself, its more like just incase you are I want to reach out for sure. I don't own a scale either, I went to the doc again my 1st week and got my weight then. I haven't had one in 2 yrs. If I got a new one I am sure it'd make a fine frisbee lol

  • LilCaity, thank-you for sharing.  It is great to know there are others out there that haven't had it so easy and that have struggled with food, not that I wish that upon ANYone.  Sometimes I think because of my eating disorder I shouldn't be on this plan, as it is too strict, but like you said, I feel so good on it, I NEED to eat frequently so I don't get cravings, or too hungry and it is a very healthy plan.  It is amazing how food can affect our moods and energy levels.

    I know that if I don't eat properly, I suffer a lot, because the workouts are intense.  And I am scary in the gym.  Today I did HIIT - I was so motivated (and my husband thought I was crazy for saying"I am excited to wkout today!) because of the free day and feeling like crap, I blared my ipod and looked straight ahead.  The lady next to me kept looking at me b/c I was breathing so heavily and dripping sweat, and it felt SO good.  I definitely hit a 10 but could only do that by really putting my mind to it.

    I am going to do this thing!!  I plan to write on this forum every day, to hold myself accountable, and I will NOT give up.  I hope we can help each other stick to this and achieve our goals!

    I feel very positive today, and assume not every day will be like this, but am taking it one day at a time.  

    I went through the Clean Eating website for some meal ideas.  My husband is a Chef and I a Pastry Chef, so coming up with ideas and being creative with clean cooking comes pretty easy to us, so I am grateful for that, as my food almost always tastes good : p without trying to put myself on any pedestal.

    Tonight I have chicken breasts and so I think I am baking them with Baked Yams & Salad, plus gravy for the kids (not for us).  I am getting very hungry so better start that....

    I'll be back tomorrow!

    Have a great evening!


  • And about the bananas, I,m  glad to hear they are acceptable because I love them after a workout.  I was looking off the online list....

  • Day 13 - did LBWO and didn't hit 10s on quads - I am afraid to use too much weight so as to not injure myself, even though I was mostly on machines.  But overall, I am still happy with my hard wkout.   Also went skating with the family, so tried to get in some good glute work as an extra.  Ate well too so overall a great day!  

  • Awesome job with your workout! I also had lower body 2day, we must be on the same schedule. I am pretty weak with how much I can lift, I have to start with the 1st or 2nd notch on the machine. I also can't add that much extra so when I get to intensity 8 and beyond, I do the highest weight I can for each rep set and hold it for extra seconds where it feels the most intense. You'd be surprised how quick you hit a 10 when you hold it on that sweet spot for an extra second. I extend and release very slowly so I can get the most out of each lift and avoid injury. Jerking those weights so I get more reps has been a mistake I made b4 and it hurts!

  • It makes so much sense to go slowly, and I always have to remind myself to go slower.  It has so much more effect.  Thx for reminding me : )  - Never worry about the amount of weight you are lifting - it is all about progress.  Only if you are lifting the same amounts in 3-4 weeks would I worry, as you should get stronger and those weights will "feel" lighter : )

    Haven't been to the gym yet, but leaving shortly.  Can you believe I am excited to go?  I feel like I get a rid of any bloated feeling after Hiit, so that is what I look forward to.  My mood has been lifted, a lot different from Sat evening, when I felt so down.  I truly believe it relates to all the food that goes in.  Today is a big grocery shop day, which should be an adventure in 40cm of snow.  But I look forward to stocking my fridge and pantry with more delicious and healthy foods.

    Anyways, you will notice over the next 10 weeks that I ramble and can go on and on, so I apologize ahead of time : )

    Happy Tuesday and good luck on your wkout!

  • Today is my day 14 with Hiit.  I was pretty sore from LBWO but just got on the elliptical anyways and began without thinking about it, also b/c I was under time constraints.  It was harder than normal, I guess b/c my muscles were already sore, and after my first level 9 I was thinking I may not hit all 9s and 10s but then when it came to time for the 10, I just gave it my all and said to myself, I only have to do this for ONE minute, and then I am done (and I imagined how Olympians train - lmao - my husband also laughed when I told him this), and a 10 is what I definitely hit.  I feel so awesome!

    I had to do a big grocery shop afterwards and usually I get hungry, thirsty and have to go to the washroom, so I had a powder shake beforehand, brought my big water jug and tackled the shop, in a calm, relaxed manner...usually I am so tense and want to do it as fast as possible.  I even had trouble at the cash desk and then had to push my big cart over to the customer service and wait and wait, but I didn't get frustrated and was totally relaxed, and I owe it all to BFL - this is so not normal me, very impatient.  So just one more reason to love BFL.

    Tonight I am making Black Bean burgers, but assume I will have to add some extra protein to that and skip the bun, maybe some cottage cheese or Greek yogurt?  I find Vegetarian meals tough to be satisfying enough and leave me craving sugar or carbs, even if I feel full, and I think it has something to do with the amount of carbs spiking sugar levels.  I have good knowledge of nutrition but am not an expert, and only assume this b/c I have been experimenting with myself.   I will ensure these have enough protein.

    Hope you all had a great day & have a great evening!

  • Today is day 16 and I didn't post yesterday b/c I was a bit ashamed - I did well all day and had a great UBWO, but a friend of mine, who is always drinking wine and eats whatever and is super muscular and lean came over, and brought wine, and so I had a glass last night.  I also craved not so clean foods and so ended up eating 3 pieces sushi, 2 rib bones, cheese and crackers (whole wheat and low fat cheese) and 2 pcs salami (I sound like the "hungry caterpillar").  I wanted to eat more and I felt like more wine, but I stopped there and left the kitchen and brushed my teeth.  I am not going to beat myself up b/c I didn't go overboard, it was a learning experience (I didn't feel as energetic today) and it could've been way worse, given my tendencies.  

    Today I stuck to my eating plan but my husband, without realizing, keeps making me my shakes and is putting too much banana and almond milk in them for my portion, and I don't want to complain b/c he made them for me, so I may have over consumed carbs today, but then I also think it is better this way which prevents me from binging on unhealthy carbs.  

    I did my Hiit after work today (a lot harder than first thing for me) and now it is dinner time.  Working out before dinner really helps to make me crave healthy foods and not want junk, so I look forward to dinner and an early bed.

    Hope you all had a great day!

  • I had a bad couple of days and am very embarrassed to say, but want to be completely hones......Friday was the day before my free day, and the anticipation of it was a little too much for me.  I was quite hungry for carbs, and found a few chips laying around at work, which led me to eat them, they were so good, so I ate a few more, but then feel guilty, ate more and more and finally it was a full on binge, that of course with my eating disorder history, it had to come out, and so it did.  I felt so drained and so guilty, and then in the eve, I was craving salt and junk.  I wanted to get back on track, but ended up having some flavoured rice cakes with hummus and diet pepsi.  I didn't feel SO guilty about this because it wasn't all that bad, but by no means is that clean food and I really don't want to be using aspartame at all.  I woke up feeling like I had a hangover after the salt or diet pepsi I guess.  And then it was supposed to be my free day.  My hubby bought donuts for after lunch and although I was only planing to have a cheat meal in the evening, I ended up having grilled cheese and a regular donut.  I didn't let any guilt set in and instead went to play hockey, which helped to get my mind off things.

    After hockey we had 1 beer and 1 wine and chili for dinner, which wasn't too overboard, but then b/c my hubby was having chocolate cake, I felt I should too, and did, but then felt so full.  I downed a ton of water and hit the hay.  I feel like he goes all out on Sat, which is fine, b/c he is really good all week, but it is too much for me.  I am an "all or nothing" thinker.

    Anyways, today was HIIT, I killed it and ate really well today, to get back on track.  I am tired but ready for Monday and eating well, and not giving up!!!

    I hope you all have a great start to you week!

  • I have been MIA the past few days - I had the flu and skipped my LBWO on Wednesday, still ate relatively well and got back to LBWO yesterday.  I am so sore, esp in my butt.  I did reverse lunges and forward lunges, which I hear are great for lifting the buns, and this is a "big" focus for me : ).  

    I struggle with the diet slightly - I eat all the 6 meals and in correct portions, but then I will throw a handful of nuts in my mouth several times throughout the day, b/c I feel so tired and feel like I am craving some energy.  Nuts are what my body craves, so I rationalize that at least they are healthy fats (and they are unsalted).  I don't have any junk in the house which certainly helps me from grabbing junk....BUT I know nuts are high in calories and a few handfuls a day (I am talking 1/4 cup, not 8 almonds) is not part of the BFL program.  

    I just found out my sister is getting married at the end of June, and I am MOH, so I have a new focus and time frame in which to get in great shape.  I weighed myself yesterday, after 2 meals, mind you, and I was 136lbs!!!  Last summer I was 124lbs, and I know this weight is all still from my splurging holiday, but I hope that some is muscle, as I do feel stronger and firmer..... I don't want to weight myself anymore.

    I really want to strengthen my focus and believe the diet is where I struggle the most.  Any tips as to how you stop nibbling or grabbing food off the plan.  Or anyone out there who occasionally did nibble but still saw results?

    Today is day 24 for me and I thought I would have been a little leaner by now, but I used to be a calorie counter and I would drop the calories to drop weight.  I don't want to count anymore and so need to stick to the plan!!!  

    I have HIIT today, and still have a sore throat, but my body isn't weak, so I will push myself hard.  Knowing tomorrow is my day off will also help : )

  • Today is day 26, Sunday, the day after my free day, and always not a great day.  I feel depressed and feel very discouraged b/c I feel "thick!"  I felt stronger all week but feel like the fat layer makes me look so chunky and I am just not in a happy place.  I know this program works and don't want to give up, even though I feel I should.....but I won't!!!!  How can  this exercise program and clean eating not work?

    I know after a good sleep I will feel more positive, but I need to vent and want to know if at day 26 I should not be feeling lighter....anyone else felt like this and then moved forward?

    I did my UBWO but didn't hit a 10 in all the exercises in fear of injuring myself  - I had a herniated cervical disc a few years ago which kept me lying flat on my back until surgery  and tend to get similar symptoms (not so severe) when I lift really heavy on upper body. So I fear that this is not helping my cause to get leaner, but it is still intense.

    Off to bed, for a good sleep, and hopefully ready to kill Hiit!  

  • i have been MIA - largely in part because I have gotten way off track.  I have slacked on the past 4-5 workouts, I have not been eating very clean (although attempting), have had a few binges and feel like absolute crap, and fat!  I hate feeling this way and so am re-motivated to get back on track.  It would be day 33 for me so I am just going to stick with it being day 33, knowing that I screwed up a couple of days and move forward.

    Today was Hiit and I was looking forward to starting my day with it to get me back on track.  It was a good workout.  I have had 2 meals already, staying on track.  I hope I don't get this detailed again.  I feel so depressed today and don't want to feel this way after every free day.  I believe it has to do with alcohol.  I don't drink a lot, maybe 2 glasses of wine, but it hits me, and I feel great, but the next day I don't.  It messes with my diet, my mood and I am sure my workout suffers too.

    Does anyone else struggle with trying to give up alcohol?

  • Today is my day 36 and I was feeling so down over the weekend that I have been re-motivated to get back on track.  and the past few days I feel great!  

    I did Upper Body today and feel so wiped from it, but know that was a good workout!  I have made the decision to give up alcohol completely, or word it as "alcohol-free."  I have one friend, with whom I always drink wine and always have fun, and we were pretty close a while back, but then feel so awful the next day.  She is a little into herself and I have the feeling that we will drift apart, as she stopped inviting me out when I told her I was limiting my wine intake to once/week.  I got the impression that she only wanted to hang out with me if I drank.  I could be wrong, but if that is the case, I guess she is not a friend worth keeping.

    I went to the Rihanna concert on Monday and not drinking, I noticed that so many people were drinking and they looked so silly, especially the younger girls that get carried away.  It felt good to just enjoy the show, which was awesome!  Plus Rihanna's body is amazing - great motivation.  

    I weighed myself, which I normally don't, and I am down 3lbs since day 1.  Not really much, but I feel stronger and tighter, plus I had a few setbacks in the past 36 days, so now my focus is to keep going and follow the plan!

    I just got a job that will start in Sept but that involves a 1hr15min commute each way, and my first concern was how I was going to get to the gym every day : )  - I guess there will be some very early mornings (and early bedtimes) for me.  In have had the luxury of working from home (I own my own business and so only spend 2-3 days/week outside of the home), which allows me to have access to clean food all the time.  With this new job, I will have to pack meals for the day 5 days/week, so that will be an adjustment and hope I can still BFL with this.

    Just made a shrimp, black bean & corn stir-fry.  I am craving sugar or chocolate (maybe also b/c I am tired) but think the carbs in the beans/corn have spiked my sugar levels.  I have noticed if I ever go too heavy on carbs, I crave more, so I guess I am sensitive that way.  I just drank some O cal Vitamin water as a treat and came on here to get my mind off cravings.  Herbal tea also helps, and keeps me warm - I live in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

    My sister is getting married at the end of June, and I am MOH, so this is some motivation to get in great shape.

    Anyways, I tend to ramble, but I don't think anyone is really following this thread anymore, so I guess I can.  If you are following, have a great day and great next workout!