hi everyone,

I'm on day 19 now. I actually, stopped counting. I usually put X in the BFL calendar and all I know is that when I reach week 12 and tick the last box, I will take two weeks of active rest and move onwards to another and then another, etc.

I started my first week counting the days. Then after reading many posts about fellow BFLers on here who did BFL to stop later and regain the weight by going back to their old habits, I decided that this is not going to be an 84-day "phase". This is the rest of my life. So, I stopped counting. In fact, I also forgot to tick X in the calendar in the past few days.

I am trying to spend every day as happily as I can diet- and exercise-wise. I am very weak when it comes to food. I just love it. Exercise has never been the problem. I'm cooking a lot. As I get bored very easily, I cook few times a day in small portions what I know I want to eat there and then. On the days I couldn't cook due to a crazy working day, I had too little to eat followed by indulgence (tripling the portions in one big meal at the end of the evening). I know it's bad, and I am still trying to get that under control.

One of the results is "shopping hungry". A grueling exercise in the morning followed by nothing to eat for the next six hours, then go shopping for the right foods and I wind up buying some things I know I should not buy.

I made a deal with myself before I started BFL, that I will never buy anything I shouldn't eat. If it's NOT in the house, there is no temptation in a first place.

Now it seems I am going to have to make another deal with myself: Never ever go shopping hungry!

The naughty stuff I bought is sitting in the fridge. I took only a tiny taste of one and put it back in the fridge waiting for free day. If I don't touch them till then, I will be crossing another abyss and breaking my food addiction. So far, I am more shocked than proud that I haven't destroyed them like I used to.

I'm not attempting for perfection, and I have lost my all-or-nothing mentality that set me back for years. There are days when I under-eat, and days when my portions are more generous than they should be. There are days when I come from the gym too sore to move, and days when i feel that my ten was actually a nine!

But I want to do this for life and life is not perfect.

I also stopped changing and tweaking programs as if i am an expert. This time, everything is by the book.

The last abyss I need to cross is to get my before photos. I just can't bear looking at myself in the mirror.