I think my wife discovered her problem

  • A few days ago, I posted about my wife feeling discouraged. After the encouraging posts by several of you, she had an awesome workout Wednesday and was feeling more upbeat. But last night felt down and out again. (I do want to add, she is a VERY upbeat and positive person, always has encouraging things to say to everyone, and is a blast to be married to!  She is my very best friend.)  So we talked about it and I think she nailed what's bothering and discouraging her. She said she doesn't like anything that feels like it's controlling her. And she feels trapped by feeling like she has to eat the same foods everyday and feels controlled by "having to do all her workouts everyday without missing any, day after day after day". 

    I also think I might be part of the problem. I'm 150% on board with BFL and my personality type is to go at something I believe in full-speed ahead. So I eat, breathe and sleep BFL 24/7 which I think has become a little overbearing for her too. I'm wondering if I should just keep doing my thing and not mention BFL unless she asks for help. I don't want to be overbearing on her and know she'll only succeed in this if it's her decision to follow it through. It's just hard for me not to "encourage" her to keep going when I know she's right around the corner from seeing the "miracle" that comes with week 8-10.

    Any ladies relate to this?

    Mike =)

  • I wish my EX-WIFE could have discovered her problem...........

    anyways, I would say keep encouraging her.   Sounds like she just needs a re-motivation, have you showed her the Ladies PDF docs?  They are quite motivating I would suggest.

  • Thanks Armster, yea, she read over them a few days ago and they helped, but her main thing is feeling like BFL is controlling her. If she could somehow flip the switch the other way where she felt that SHE was really in control of her BFL program instead of the other way around, I believe that would be the key to her success. How does that happen?? (might be the question of the universe right there). =)

  • I think it is very discouraging for woman when they are comparing themselves to a man's progress.  Men are just so much more capable of building substantial muscle mass and therefore see progress so much quicker than women.  I know it erks me when I have been kicking my ass for 8 weeks and my husband sits and does nothing for 12 years but still has more defined muscle than me.

  • Mike,

    You wife needs to realize that she is now in more control of her life than ever.  She is doing this to better herself, get healthy and strong.  Everyday she makes a choice to either do the work or not.  She is in control she just needs to refocus her energy.  This program will help her out in all aspects of her life.  We are all in control of our lives weather we make good choices or bad choices, we can always find excuses but we are only cheating ourselves!  

    This is not just a physical transformation but and emotional and mental one.  I think it's great that you two communicate so well.  She will do fine this is a lesson to be learned.  

    Rachel

  • Mike,

    I think your wife just needs some space.  You are very driven and BFL is very consuming and along with her studies, work and kids I suspect she's feeling "overwhelmed".  

    What you could do is prepare both hers and your BFL meals, but ask her  what she might like to have that is different from what you are eating.  That does two things, you take full responsibility for planning and prepping meals, bagging and tagging them AND offers some food flexibility for her.

    Also remmeber that you can't force her to be motivated, she has to do this on her own.  If it's not right for her she will become absolutely miserable and then no one is happy.  I walk this walk alone everyday because my hubs just isn't in to fitness.  Give him a yard full of work that needs to be done, he's in his happy place.  

    Don't be too disappointed if she pulls away from you on this, just understand that it's not personal to you.

    Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right ~ Henry Ford

    Michelle Simpson ~2009 Body-for-LIFE Champion 46+ Catagory

  • It sounds like your wife is suffering from the monotony(sp?) /rules of the program. It is human nature to be a little rebellious.

    I'd recommend you try to help her by planning some spontanious events to jog her out of the rigid schedule feeling. Suprise her with getting an old friend of hers to make lunch date, or set up a little reunion with coworkers from her past. People not consumed with BFL may be a good change of pace for a few hours Sometimes us ladies just need a change of pace to rekindle our spirits. Keep in mind that the littlest things mean the most sometimes. Peace and quiet time just for her may do the trick, simple gestures like the kids picking flowers for her or making homemade cards, you writing a love letter are sure-fire ways to warm her heart......

    Moms get exhausted taking care of everyone, with BFL she's now high up on the take care of list, too....perhaps she's overwhelmed and needs a good sleep-in day, breakfast in bed or a Lifetime Movie for a good old-fashioned CRY!!  Give her her space..and love her through it all!

    Squats

  • Hey Mike,  I'm not a lady but I can relate to this.

    The very fact that you write this shows that you love your wife very much.  But just don't tell her that, have her feel it.  Really feel it.  Out of the blue and when you have time,  Give her the best hug from your heart and let her FEEL that love from you and only want the best for her and you believe in her no matter what.

    You see I'm a control freak to my core, but with this program I am learning so much about myself.  Like your wife, when I started I was saying, I gotta do what?  Eat what?  NO wAY am I gonna go on some crazy cottage cheese, egg white diet   (Anyone who uses those for the meals, don't be offended, it's just MY taste buds talking)

    But as I read more in depth of the book, I figured there's a lot of variety and I kept it simple  Palm-Protien, Fist-Carb, Veggie-Veggie - PURE Water.....ahh...

    So now I've had so many choices, I am having fun with it.  Even when I prepare my foods I present it to myself in gourmet style.    For example this morning...had Salmon, Bagel, Spinach, Tomatoes and Cucumbers.   Sounds really boring to me...but when you say it and present it this way:

    This morning we are going to have Wild Caught Alaskan Salmon Sautee'd to a medium Temp w/ a hint of Lemon, on a Bedding of Blanched Spinach, Enhanced with a Mixture of Romano Tomatoes & Cucumbers complimented with a Toasted Bagel.

    Just sounds more mouth watering this way too.  Heck some days I'll even pour my water in a wine glass or a brandy sniffer. 

    What sucks for me is that I am a single guy,  and yes I have to eat much of the same foods for the entire week.  But I'm having fun with that as well.  I create themes and see how many different ways I can prepare it.  ONe week it was chickenB's, Salmon and Catfish, Steaks one week,  and heck I still haven't done Shrimp or Lobster for that matter!  (They are on the authorized list I checked!)

    Can you imagine telling some......"Darn I'm on this diet, and today I HAVE to eat Lobster!"   Hehe...

    So if you want, email me (address on bio page)  Some of your wife's favorite protiens, carbs and veggies, and stuff she absolutely hates, and I'll try to whip up some dishes this weekend, take pictures and send them to you.

    And one last thing about control freaks.  WE HATE HATE HATE to be pushed.  If someone tries to order me, I'd rather run.  Even if it's the right thing for me, I'll leave and wait awhile until it feels like my decision.   OH but when someone ASK's me a question....ooh....toughest because now they've given control back to me....and I gotta answer with something better than "I don't know".....wow.....same problem, different presentation.

    One thing that's kept me in check - I reread weekly if not daily, my first letter to myself when I started.  Man is that an eye-opener.  Have your wife read her letter to herself as well.  If she hasn't done so have her create one now.  And don't let her share it with you.  Let this be her empowerment.  She'll thank you later.

    So make a game out of all this, have some fun with it together.   Ask your wife for help, ask her if you think you can up your weights, ask her to observe you and see if you are pushing it hard on cardio intensity 10.  You see harldy anyone likes to be told, but everyone loves to help out.  Give your wife the opportunity to help.

    So these are just my suggestions.   Hope they help!   (Thanks for sharing and giving me the opportunity to help as well)

    ~Marqui D. C1W7D47

  • Thanks for the responses ladies! (and Marqui). =)  I think y'all all have great ideas and I knew you'd be able to relate to what she's feeling better than I can. Thanks so much!

    I think I'll stop by and grab her some fresh flowers on my way home.  (Sometimes us guys just need a reminder of how big the simple things like that are to our wives.)  We also have a date night planned for Saturday so hopefully these things will help her de-stress a little and feel recharged.

    Mike

  • She needs a new outfit :-D Something that makes her feel pretty and (sexy-shhhh, I didn't say that word). And don't talk about BFL while you are out on your date. Have an EXTRAORDINARY time!!!

    Keep the faith!

    Faithful Renee :0)

  • Hey Mike, it might just sound like word play here but remind her that SHE is the one in control of her body and nutrition.  SHE is the one making decisions and choices.  SHE is not being controlled by BFL, SHE is the one taking over from what might have been unhealthy in the past.  All of our lives we are subletly (and sometimes overtly) conditioned to regard unhealthy food as yummy.  Sometimes it is yummy.  Your wife may need to see this as her decision to break free from how she has been controlled in the past and view this as taking a step toward food and fitness independence.

  • I stopped by and picked her up flowers yesterday before she got home. She loved them!  We had a yummy dinner, then she did awesome on her lower body workout last night, pushing herself harder than usual, and this morning as I'm typing this, she's doing HIIT on the treadmill and she's PUSHING herself. =)  It's amazing what a little space and flowers will do.  

    And she's definitely going to need to go buy some new clothes soon too and I know that will be awesome for her.

    She just finished her HIIT and is on the cool-down at the end.....she did 2 MILES!! Awesome!!

  • Woohoo, that is awesome Mike!  Make sure she helps you out and pushes you on your work outs as well.

    Great job and rock on!!

    oh and like Renee said....on your date tonight no talking about BFL!!!

    ~Marqui D. C1W7D48

  • I was thinking reading through the posts up until I got to your last one that it sounds like she is feeling pressure and needs space. If she feels like she is going to let YOU down if she isn't as perfect with her food or workouts as you it is added pressure. As women it is way worse to have the idea we will let someone else down (ourselves we can deal with how messed up is that). Anyway, personality types are very different. For example a few years back my best friend and I tried Weight Watchers. She excelled at this, loved the point counting and the structure and I quickly began to resent it. I have the typical all or nothing personality. I discovered body for life and have lost 70 pounds and I think the combination of structure and some freedom (ie free day and no counting) worked for me. I think if you back waaaaay off and just let her be she will do it herself. It's the pressure (if it's real or not it's in her head) that is making her rebel. Continue to give her the space you have, let her come to you, keep doing what you are doing, and be supportive but don't force anything on her even "gently". She will see results and sometimes when we just EASE up on ourselves is when we see it working and that is all the motivation that is needed.

  • Let her do her ow thing. My mom takes all the fun out of exercise for the rest of the grown family by trying to push us to do what we're already doing. I told her last week to not do it anymore.

    She thinks she's the exercise maven. I think she has to control our experiences too. I enjoy working out so much better when she just leaves me alone.