I wish I never saw it to talk about it but here it is: Our significant others and how they respond to the changes we make in our lives to go through with BFL and changing our own bodies.
My soon-to-be-ex partner did not feel comfortable with me going to the gym or being asked for his support. So, I toughed it out on my own. Needless to say, I came home to an endless string of snide comments and undermining behaviour. Mind you though, he is a very fit guy so I have no clue what his problem is, except some passive aggressive behaviour that was forever present but I just did not have enough guts to stop it.
Over the past three weeks, I have been exercising hard. To be honest, I felt really proud of myself that I could push that hard, and stick to it for three weeks in spite of two healing injuries, not one. I had every excuse NOT to go to the gym, from snow storms, to injuries, to being on the verge of depression. And it seems, when you are proud of yourself, your self-esteem -that old friend- kicks back in. The nonsense you are used to putting up with suddenly hits you in the face as if it is brand new. You find yourself more inclined to saying "I don't appreciate being talked to this way". You find it in you somewhere to say "I deserve better than this treatment" AND STICK WITH IT the same way you stick to your exhausting routine in the gym.
I lost 11 pounds in the past three weeks. I am still a fat woman. But this fat woman is moving out. The feeling that you are capable of change and already changing, the feeling that the loser inside is dying in every single way, these feelings are not partial. That strength is not partial. It is not a strength of mind that comes in the gym and vanishes at home... at least in my own experience.
This is a very sad post, and a very brave post. I have not seen any posts here discussing the changes in our partners whether positive or negative. So I thought, with a lot of apprehension I may start this one.
I hope someone else out there is willing to open up about it, unless I am one unlucky person indeed LOL
PS: I am not sorry for myself, or bitter. For now and until it all sinks in, I feel suspended in clear pragmatic thinking and not feeling emotional. So, this is not a pity post. Thanks.
Courage isn't lack of fear. It's our ability to carry on despite our fear
15year-shortcut- I have to say good for you. If we don't stand up for ourselves then who will. It is not an easy place to be in, and I can totally relate. I was in a position similar to yours about 10 years ago. Stand your ground, and do whats best for you. You deserve to be happy, and to feel good about yourself. It is his loss, and your gain. Think about it...when I left I lost 175l lbs in a matter of minutes, and a huge weight off my shoulders. Good Luck to you. If you need a shoulder or any words of encouragement feel free to call on me. I know and feel your pain, and frustration.
I'm sure you're not the only one facing this type of situation, and I suspect each situation is as unique as the people involved. I feel frustrated sometimes because my spouse won't join me in this lifestyle, for I'm sure it would benefit her greatly to excercise. But, she is not interested in it. Because it is such a major part of my life now, there have been occasions I showed some "attitude", and made comments I shouldn't have, and looked with total disdain on some of the desserts in the house. I shouldn't complain too much, however, because overall she cooks very healthy meals. I think the situation is manageable if the two people have an otherwise sound relationship, which we do. I think if there are issues in the relationship hidden beneath the exterior, it's not surprising they would surface during this type of tranformation.
I have also seen changes in relationships with friends and neighbors, perhaps the result of a bit of jealousy? No matter, this lifestyle feels so right to me, that I know it is the path I must take. Although I have no proof, I believe our souls are connected to our bodies, and benefit as well, that we are better beings for living this way.
I wish you the best going forward,
Once I discovered the joys of weight training, all other passions were transcended.
Whew!...This hits close to home. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice as I am separated from my wife at this time. I do not get to share this with her although I have a loving family that not only support me but some are in this challenge with me. That being said...it's still a rough road. I know that I can control how this challenge goes and that's what keeps it working. There is transformation happening and it's for the better. Thank you BFL!
Keep your head up 15year-shortcut...keep doing your part and who knows what's down the road. I would definitely let him know your thoughts...and maybe have him read your post.
Hang in there...Your going in the right direction.
This topic makes me very sad. I'm so sorry that some of you are experiencing this. 15year, you mentioned that your partner is very fit and you don't know why he is trying to undermine you. Is it possible that he feels threatened that he will no longer feel superior to you in that regard?
My husband is going to the gym with me on cardio days, but not weight days, and has not complained about the food, although he is glad that the holidays are here and there are more treats at the office. I hope he will decide to join me in my next challenge in January, but it's OK if he doesn't. I will count my blessings that he is overall supportive of my program.
Want it. Plan it. Do it.
Malena - I know exactly know what you mean by losing 175 pounds in minutes!
Saralynn - The stranger thing is that I am now smaller than when he and I first met. It is not like I gained weight over the years. He said he liked the idea of me going to the gym, but the attitude tells a different story.
Well, things happen for a reason.
Geez, we need a support group or something here :) I also recently, as of two months ago, seperated from my wife. She had never been very supportive of my attempts in the past to get fit, even when i had lost 60lbs, it was kind of like, ehh good job.
Now I have been trying to start myself up in a challenge since that time, and it has been darn near impossible with trying to watch my four year old son, and getting to the gym.
Things have been very difficult, but we reamain great friends.
However, we have now reached an agreement that I will go to the gym when she gets out of work, or in the morning when she has him overnight. Which is what happened overnight, and man am I sore now! UBWO and HIIT within 14hrs. :)
But ya know what Shortcut, you are doing it for the right reason. Glad the ol' self confidence is coming back (have yours give mine a call please). Keep it up!
“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” - Shel Silverstein
Hi 15yr, sorry you are going through all that but I know exactly how you feel as I've been through something vrey similar, honestly I have become stronger, phsically and mentally, through BFL. I remember telling my husband about BFL and him calling it dumb...I was in a depression at the time and how I pushed on with it I will never know.
I will say one thing and maybe it's not what's going on with your soon- to- be- ex but I really think there's some insecureness on their part, all of a sudden we are getting fit and I know for a fact my husband for some reason did not like it, he would say.."That guy was staring at you" or,..."That guy was watching you walk in the store.." I think he was so threatened by it, he is better now though and says he is proud of me...go figure...
We have to do this for us, sometimes I've thought I'm too tired to exercise but always kick my self up the butt and say.."Come on! you can do it!" I'm stronger now than I used to be. anyway I'm rambling but wanted you to know I get it...do this for YOU! hang in there and keep strong!
I'm feeling so bad for you. Ashamed to admit it, but I was on the other end a few years back. Sorta. I was doing BFL type stuff, really pushing myself. My husband only does low impact and wanted to do his own thing and needed a reward to motivate him. So we came up with this idea for him of getting $ for every 10 minutes of any sort of exercise.' I'm a penny pincher and would have loved to harvest the magic money tree for all my hard work too, but wanted that money to go towards bills and stuff instead of ourselves. Well anyway, one time he was going to walk home from somewhere for the exercise, and of course to earn more 'allowance.' I can't remember what I said, but it was a negative reaction, something like, "You're gonna get $10 just to do that??!! But that's easy!!" I upset him and made him feel like a loser. I felt really bad, and let my own feelings of being poor and unjust get to me. And to make it worse, said it in front of my step-daughter who saw her dad's feelings get hurt.
Going through a breakup is terribly difficult, and I have written many articles about it. Here are some of my thoughts and ideas..
A strong and healthy body is something we should all strive for but sometimes along the road your partner may not be happy about your transformation. So why is this? Psychologically speaking, not only does your body change, so does your thoughts, desires, attitude and level of acceptance. Our positive attitude and healthy approach towards life can change the way we accept things all around our life. A healthy mind results a healthy body and this makes life worth living. So why would someone who loves you want to sabotage this?
Fear; insecure that you will leave them. They might give you negative feedback in hopes that you will go back to the way you once were. How to remedy this? Create new rituals so you can include your partner in your new lifestyle. Take the dog for a walk together; try rock climbing, or dancing. Guilt; they complain that you’re not around or give you the guilt trip. Try to get them to join you if possible or go to the gym at a time when it will not affect any plans you may had. Lastly, your partner tries to sabotage your efforts. They might load the house up with junk food. Eat a fatty meal in front of you. Try to get you to sleep in and miss your workout. All of these issues come down to a resounding sense of fear, and insecurity. You might consider explaining right at the beginning how much you love them and appreciate their support. Say it every day if need be. They need reassurance and are terrified that the new you will find a greener pasture.
At the end of the day, your significant other should be one of the biggest and most supportive allies you have in getting health. If they cannot or refuse to appreciate your journey sometimes it’s best to depart.
I hope you find clarity during this difficult time,
I admire your courage and it is obvious that your blog helped others open up about their similar situations.
I walked down the cold isles of the German Market. I bought a small rocking horse key-chain that says "Good things happen to those who believe". As I walked back home, I heard someone at a corner playing sax. I felt liberated, and happy to be on my own again. Which is unusual in moments like these unless you have indeed taken the right decision by leaving.
As for the temperature here in Birmingham, UK, it's minus 11 Celsius. Is not much help after a good lower body workout.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERY ONE!!!XXXXXXXXXX!!!
15year-shortcut... My marriage ended after I lost over 100 pounds. I know that I changed in the process, but I think the death blow really came as a result of my ex-husband's lack of self confidence and my increasing confidence. In the end, its his loss. I refuse to hold my life back because of someone else and their issues. Good for you for doing something for you without the need for approval for anyone else!
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