A Bipolar Cynics Log

  • I'm back. Bbefore Xmas I hit my 8 week mark and was going strong. Took a few days off for the holidays, no biggie, then depression hit. Big time. I was already a bit up and down, and but I just lost it. Drove away friends, made poor choices which is the manic side, and basically fell off the wagon. 

    I would liketo say that I am better now, but I know I'm not. But I have a year long plan to get better, to nip this palava in the bud once and for all.

    One thing that really worked for me, was my daily log here. Kept me honest and on track. I want to keep dong that, but with pictures this time, and maybe a little more venting. 

    A lot more venting.

    For one, 7" androidtablet pales in comparison to typing on an ipaad. This post took forever!

  • hi MrCynical,

    8 weeks was great going, I fell off at 8 weeks too. The comedown is quite rocky, didn't realise how much BFL can lift your mood. I don't have depression but I do suffer a little from anxiety and I worry all the time. My sad light and BFL helps a lot.

    Glad you have a plan and that you are getting back on track. A years a long way ahead, one day at a time might help.  

    Venting is great. I love a good vent. Vent away :-) x

  • Things I hated today

    • The sun. Right in my eye too and from work, stupid ball of life giving gas
    • Bloc party. They kept coming up on spotify and no matter how many thumbs down I give them, stupid spotify thinks I like them
    • Having depressing thoughts about every wasted opportunity during every rest period at the gym
    • Still had a ham roll from the cafe, wasn't big, but I didn't really need it, this is not what winners eat
    • What ever white fungus is coating my tongue, I'm blaming the beef kofta curry I made, probably not used to red meat.  Oh wait that is a total self lie, I had freaking Burger King and McDonald's for weeks no problem
    • Declined so many people at work today, 5 before my second meal, and 12 before I went home, positivity is a huge problem 
    Things I liked today

    • Despite miserable thoughts, still completed a decent upper body set
    • I have nailed my satay tofu dish, with a bit of brown rice it is a perfect meal
    • Walked to and from work, it's an extra 4.5k all up, that should add up after a while

  • Things I hated today

    • My treadmill, barely made it to half my 20 minutes, full of anger and dperession.  BUT I think it was mostly due to trying to get back to where I was before 3 weeks of near permanent binging.  Also started a bit too late after work, stuff to keep in mind for next time
    • The sun again, I have like 5 pairs of slighty bent sunglasses ( I tend to sit on them, this is why I can't have nice things) I should learn to frigging grab a pair before going out the door.
    • Stupid cafe roll again, tomorrow I will be sure to bring some edamames to snack on, nature's power food.  On another note, the pig is nature's most delicious creature.
    • The crappy resolution on my tablet for photos, I will get them to auto upload to dropback so i can upload them here though
    Things I liked today

    • I did 20 minutes of dance central to make up for my crap workout, was fun, might end more nights like this.
    • Work was only marginally soul sucking.

  • Things I hated today

    • My continued inability to remember sunglasses
    • The people having a party down the road and the 5 bazillion neighbours who had evening bbqs that i passed on way to gym, make me increasingly aware that I have not spoken to my friends in weeks
    • That I keep thinking Friday is off day, I had to cafe rolls today, but nothing else bad and still did a lower body at least
    • That 3 weeks off will seriously screw up your weights progress. Going back to lighter weights is depressing
    • That I got changed 3 times this morning (casual Friday) because I wasn't satisfied that the shirts/shorts I had were hiding my flab as best as possible
    Things I liked today
    • Faster Than Light is an incredibly addictive game
    • The underwear department on aliexpress.com so much cheap awesomeness. By the time they arrive I should even be able to fit them
  • Depression sucks.  I fight with it.  Winter seems to be the worst.  And, it seems to have become worse as I have aged.  

    If I may:

    The Things I hated Today:

    Waking up at 3:30 AM, realizing that a year ago, when I was moved to a new position at work without any input, it was to make room for the pr!ck I am under to make room for his friend's wife.  I have been taking deep beaths most of the day.

    Things I liked:

    5:30 AM Airdyne Cardio Solution.

    Sorry to impose.

    "Hypochondriacs are their own terrorists."  Saul Bellow

  • Your hated lists are longer than your liking lists.  As much as I love to vent also, have you thought about changing the lists to.... Things I like today and things I am going to change.

    Just a suggestion before your hated lists swallow any positivity you do have whole, and you are left with nothing.

  • Things I hated on the weekend

    • I hate crap on both days.  Im putting this down to family visit on saturday (fish n chips in the park for lunch), but no excuse for sunday.  Well apart from spending a bg chunk of the sunday in my room being a miserable ball of miseryi
    • I ate boiled sweets on saturday night and I hate boiled sweets, yet there I was popping them one by one in my mouth in the evening while I watched 30 rock reruns.  It was pathetic.  I also had some really tart sherbert on sunday that also wasn't nice, yet still shovelled it in.  

    Things I liked on the weekend

    • Visited by sisters family and went for lunch and a swim and my neice is now getting good at xbox, so very proud
    • I did go for a good run Saturday morning before everyone came over, so I started off well, amazing how much more you get done if you don't sleep in until 10
    • I did prepare for Monday, bought fruit and edamames and had lunch ready, so the week is starting off right at least

  • Things I hated yesterday

    • My brain using ever quiet moment to remind me of every failture in life ever
    • Whoever leaves their god damn weights all over the gym every evening.  The downside to having a private shared gym is that a lot people there don't know basic gym etiquette.
    • One which is definitely to wear deodorant, whoever left their weights all over the place, also managed to stink out the place in, had to open all the windows and doors!

    Things I liked yesterday

    • April Smith and the Great Picture Show - pop/folk at it's best
    • Good upper body workout, changed a lot of exercises and it felt good
    • My food willpower, i put down 1kg of bacon at the supermarket, bought some stir fry instead.  

  • I am so proud of you. You obviously achieved lot. If you really want to get off the fat, you can try boiling the food for one week without adding any oil. It worked really well for me. And also, only boiling chicken breast. Eat lots of egg white. Vegetable. No sugar at all.  

  • Things i hated today

    yesterday was actually pretty good, I ate we'll and did good cardio. Today the depression won though. Started off ok but then...I dunno all I could think was how much my friends must hate me and that I must hate them, I ate decentlyy, I got changed to go to the gym, got there, but I couldn't do my leg extensions.  It wasn't heavier, and I even went heavier, but I just couldn't lift it.  Tried swapping to lunges, but it hurt.  I literally had to hold back tears and go home, haven't yet left my room.  I hope tomorrow is better.  I think I will grab iPod and walk to work, probably need the space and time

  • Things I hated yesterday

    • Forgetting to pee before cardio, oh god the pressure
    • The guys who STANK out the gym before I got there, seriously that place reeked
    • Sleeping in all week, I haven't had a walk for ages
    Things I liked yesterday

    • Pretty much lost the weight I put on over the holidays, getting back on track
    • Walking Dead comics, if you like the tv show, the comics where it came from are even better

  • I love me some zombie!  and a good pee!

  • Things I hated yesterday

    • I had a kebab.  I bought allmy food yesterday, wasn't at all prepared.  Still nothing was deep fried, could have been worse
    • Didn't walk at all into work last week, hope to change that next week
    • That it takes 5 people to make a fleet in Star Trek Online and I have no friends who play it, damn who am I kidding I have no friends at all right now, I'm so god damn emotional right now it is pathetic.  
    Things I liked yesterday

    • That I still did a lower body workout after my kebab.  Did lunges instead of leg extensions so no more tears over that
    • Supersize vs Superskinny, awesome UK series where they take an extremely underweight person and extremely overweight person and swap their diets.  There is more to it than that, but its just brilliant

  • Good for you Pathetic guy. Just keep working hard on yourself. You will win!